Confessions

For the will commands that an act of will should be made, and it gives this command to itself, not to some other will. The reason, then, why the command is not obeyed is that it is not given with the full will. For if the will were full, it would not command itself to be full, since it would be so already.
It is therefore no strange phenomenon partly to will to do something and partly not to will to do it.It is a disease of the mind which does not wholly rise to the heights where it is lifted by the truth, because it is weight down by habit. So there are two wills in us, because neither by itself is the whole will, and each possess what the other lacks.
-augustine (Confessions)

Today, six hours on Veoh
Yesterday, four hours
This past weekend, 27 hours
Since I have been in Grad school, 149 hours…and that’s only in 2 & 1/2 months!

Yeah, I would say I have an addiction. Not sure why it took me so long to realize it. I had the epiphany this morning. I was so mad for wasting my time on Veoh, and made up my mind to delete it, when I felt something resisting inside me. That is when I knew it was controlling me… It had to go. Trying to barter with anything that has a hold off you is always a loosing battle. So guess what I did this afternoon…yep, invested five hours on Veoh. Tonight I came to my second epiphany, that I can’t do this by myself. I need help, especially God’s. Claiming His death on the cross has helped me with addiction in the pass, and it can help me now. So if you’re reading this, ask me if I deleted it from my computer… I could use the accountability. The worst part about it is I had two test this week. If I can learn from such mistakes, than I am a better man for it. If I don’t learn and continue down this road, then I am a fool who is like a child who is invited to the Ocean by his father, but continues to play with mud in the dirt, ignorant to how grand the ocean is (paraphrased from a quote by C.S. Lewis).

P.S. For those of you who don’t know, Veoh is a program that lets you stream and download tv shows and movies.

Lenord Griffith in his book titled “God’s time and ours” states that “Satan Temps us at the point of our physical needs. Not that we might gratify them to excess, but that we may think of nothing else and gratify them at the expense of our usefulness in this world. Satan temps us at the point of our ambitions. Not that we might engage in positive evil, but simply except the fact of evil, learn to live with it, come to terms with it and maintain a discrete silence in the presence of it. Satan temps us at the point of our religion. Not that we might disbelieve in God, but that we might demand certainty, that kind of certainty that leaves nothing to faith, nothing to God Himself. These are the moral struggles that have reality for people such as we are. The subtle temptations to renounce our duty in favor of what is attractive, that insidious allurement to a kind of a half goodness which is the essence of everything bad. And which is more productive of suffering and hatred, war and misery in this world than all the desires of wicked and greedy people combined”. What challenging statement. Lord, help me to detest mediocrity and luke warmness as much as you and return to my radical roots as a child of God in "The Way", roots that You established!

my taxes pay for what the...?!?

Ok, so I knew it was the polite thing to do, but I never dreamed it was “the law” to get over on the opposite lane when there is a cop car on the shoulder with his lights flashing. I wanted to, but there was a car in the other lane. Getting over was not an option. So, I do the next best thing, I put my foot off the gas to slow down. Wouldn’t you know it not five minutes go by where I am being pulled over by two cop cars (because it takes two of course since I am such a dangerous criminal). It is late and the moon is hidden behind the clouds, leaving darkness over the highway. Blue and Red lights flash in my peripheral, while questions plague my mind. A young cop approaches my car window with cloths that obviously don’t fit him. The boy in blue demands my licenses. I knew I wasn’t speeding, so I was perplexed. “What did I do officer?” He looks at me like I should know, and with a attitude like John Wayne in a western he says “It’s against the law not to get over when a emergency vehicle is on the shoulder.” My face is contorted revealing my thoughts “you have got to be kidding”. Sadly, he wasn’t the joking type. Ten minutes later I get my license back with a “citation” and 110 dollar fine. I can’t believe it! I have gotten pulled over more than 20 times in my life for some of the ridiculous reasons, but that reason takes the cake and all the calories with it! So, let this be a lesson to the rest, get over.

a 'mormon'umental mistake....

Today was fall break, thankfully a break that included me jetting home to Michigan for some R&R. Something happened though that stuck out to me. On my way to RB (the tech building) on Ball State's campus I walked hurriedly by a pair of young men dressed in white & black suits. They were holding a sign on a wooden bench, trying to make eye contact with people. I thought they looked like the men in black, although a Will Smith was no where to be found and these guys were whiter than skim milk. The sign said "...Mormon..."... that explained the cloths. The boy (he didn't look older than 20) caught me staring at the sign and asked, "you know anything about Mormonism?". My eyes shifted from the poster to him as I hurriedly walked past them, "I'm Christian". I exclaimed in a louder than normal voice and my gaze quickly returned to my destination, the RB building. I could hear as I was walking away one of the young men asked "What did he say?...", and I think the other one exclaimed "He said he was Christian...". By then I had almost reached the building when it dawned on me.... what had I done? Here as a believer I am aways "called to give a reason for this hope that I believe"...that hope is Jesus, and they needed him more than I needed to get to RB. Guilt began to set in, I had a opportunity to wittiness and I hadn't taken it. "Why"? I asked myself. First reason, I didn't feel like defending the faith and getting into a long debate when I was on a deadline.... not an excuse! Second, it was fall break and I had only two hours to get everything done so I could leave. As I was doing my business in RB, those previous events haunted my psyche. "I am a Christian"... the words echoed in my head with a haunting sensation. Great, what had I done!?! The impression I had probably given them is that us so called "Christians" don't have time for them, were to busy involved in our own world. But I knew Christians like me should always have time to listen to those who's religion is different from our own. Not only do we need to show God's love for them and the truth of the Cross... but we need to also show them we value them as God does. These boys took time out of their day, and I couldn't even give them a second. Well, as you can tell, Jesus called me out on it, thankfully. Next time the situation arises, I will make the right choice. I can be so selfish, thankfully God works through situations like these to shape us into who he wants us to be. Sorry to my brothers and sisters out there for giving us a bad name, and if you see these Mormon friends... please say a few words for me.

do I live a lie?

"Were mildly attracted to Jesus’ virtues, but were strongly attracted to our vices. We wouldn't like to loose them because they please us, and the prospects of a significant life with Jesus doesn’t please us as much. Do we expect a new Christian life will just happen without us having to make inconvenient changes with how we live on Monday to Sunday? If so, were like people who want to be solvent, and max out their credit cards, or people who want to be sexually pure and bookmark porn sights. People who want to learn Chinese, but without all the tiresome study that is required with that. " That is from an article in Christianity today's September, 2006 episode. A powerful statement about self sacrifice. I have heard our spiritual nature and our human nature compared to Dog's. The one that we feed the most will obviously be the stronger one, and be able to over power the week. This suggestion technically isn't theologically sound, but I like it anyway. This is scary in a world where the average Christian only spends 4 minutes in prayer a day. I believe in Grace most of all, but that grace doesn’t justify our destruction of ourselves. The beauty of God though his Grace is He can allow any Sin in our lives to show us the freedom we can receive in Him.

Do you feel the Spirit?

How interesting it is in the Christian life that I haven't gotten in the habit to spiritually overcompensate. In fact, the idea was foreign to me till I heard A.W. Towzer mention it in a sermon. He also mentioned the following below:

Things that will fashion you whether you know it or not:
1. Literature you read- ideas fashion your mind like the author
2. Music you listen to- determines what your like inside
3. Pleasures we indulge in. nothing now, but look where it will lead in 15 years.
4. Ambitions we entertain- whatever you would like to be
5. Places we go- on way to heaven, where do you visit? Does it reflect where were going?
6. Words we speak- how careless we are with our speech, our jokes...
7. The friends we cherish- may be hardest aspect. Better break with certain friendships if you’re going to serve God. (Take up cross, turn our backs on everybody necessary, even family). Better have no friends but Christ, than full of friends in Sodom before it's destruction. Walk in counsel of Godly. To go back to this idea of overcompensation, combining it and the Christian walk makes sense, doesn’t it?

Most of my life I have undercompensated for Christ. Meaning; the time I spent with Him was minor, compared to all the other things I invested in my life in. It was five minutes of Christ, three hours of TV. 20 minutes of Prayer, 1 hour of homework. 3 hours hanging with friends, 10 minutes in God's Word. 1 hour eating, 0 time serving the poor. So what has changed? Not totally sure, but I know that the Sprit of the Lord is actively moving in me. I am not sure if my explanation grasps this radical change in my life, but the big change seemed to have occurred last week. I spent four hours in Romans, and afterward I felt cleansed, like God was once again my priority. It's not a hard process. Think about how people spend time tanning on the beach. What does one have to do get a tan? Does he/she have to negotionate with the sun to pour down on him/her? No, the Sun is always doing just that, all the individual has to do is take off his or her covering. Spending with Christ is the same way, we just expose ourselves to Him. My guess is we do this through Fellowship, His Word, Speaking Truth, and Prayer...etc. Then perhaps we will bear the mark, the evidence of being shined on from the Son. Never was a evil dead done that wasn’t thought about first. So Surrendering our time, our thoughts, our hearts to His service, then this Christian Life has begun. "God never tells us anything to get along without Him." - Towzer